(This blog was first published on my Wordpress site Jan. 28, 2014)
“They call us ‘Homophobic’! I ain’t scared of no queers! They are the ones going to hell! They should be scared!” This was the line shouted by my red-faced, Independent Baptist pastor from behind his sacred pulpit nearly fifteen years ago…
Let me first back up even more to my childhood. Born in 1977, I was primarily raised in the 80’s. It was a time when there were no obviously gay characters on regular TV and, “Money for Nothing,” by Dire Straights had the lyric, “that little faggot with the earring and the make-up,” playing on the radio. The 1980’s saw the end of the golden age for those who wanted a primarily “gay free” pop culture. Outside of the correlation in the media between the outbreak of HIV/AIDS and homosexuality, I don’t remember any other references to gays in the media during my childhood.
I didn’t have any inherent dislike of gay people growing up. Though, being called a “fag” or “queer” by a peer was considered highly unfavorable and generally started a fight. Even though homosexuality wasn’t a primary topic of conversation during those years, when it was mentioned, it was always a negative thing…if not spoken of with disgust. “Queers,” were people you had to watch out for. They were the kind that messed with little boys. I don’t recall a single correlation of homosexuality with anything less than evil in daily life or the media until I was in my teens. If I’d grown up somewhere other than Indiana, that may not have been the case. But, my childhood was in the 80’s and I was a Hoosier.
During all my school years, I didn’t know anyone who was outwardly gay in school until I was a senior; one girl who came out as a lesbian. I did not know her well, but did give her a ride home from school once. Even with all the negativity toward gays growing up, I had no dislike for gay people. Or rather, since I didn’t really know any, I didn’t dislike the idea of there being gay people.
I remember the TV movie, “Doing Time on Maple Drive,” in 1992. Jim Carrey was in it and played the alcoholic brother of a young, closeted, gay man. I really liked that movie. I recall thinking, “I wonder if I’m gay?” I didn’t feel gay, but I didn’t have a girlfriend at the time either. After a day or two, I concluded for certain that I wasn’t gay. That’s one reason conservatives don’t want shows like that on TV; they actually make you think and ask deep, uncomfortable questions.
The first gay person I actually became friends with was named, “Walter.” He was a prep person in the kitchen at the country club I worked at part-time on the weekends my junior and senior years of high school. He was a nice guy and was always joking. Once, I had a mishap in the kitchen and said, “Damn! I almost poked my eye out!” He told me that would have been horrible, because my eyes were pretty. After that, my other busboy friends nicknamed me, “Pretty Eyes.” It wasn’t a derogatory name. They weren’t making fun of me because a gay guy thought I was cute. It was just a nickname; like how we called the sous chef, “Spider.” But, I don’t know how he earned that moniker.
Walter was a cool guy and very kind to everyone. I got upset one time when a guest of the Club was joking about gays in Walter’s earshot. I could tell it hurt him and that bothered me. There was another gay man that worked there for a while. He was the head chef and was a jerk. I learned that like the case with every type of person, so far as race, religion, or sexuality goes, being gay doesn’t make you act one way or another. Regardless of your identity, you are in charge of your character.
It wasn’t until I became a Christian and started really caring what the Bible had to say that I found out that gays actually were evil after all. I got “saved” the summer after I graduated high school and began attending a fundamental church when I was nineteen. At my first church, they didn’t talk a lot about gays. Most people were nice. They loved gays, but just despised their sin like you were supposed to. Only after the pastor left and that church dispersed did I end up in a church that really hated gays in a “holistic” fashion.
The only other congregation I knew anyone at in the same town was, “Victory Baptist.” I’d been to a revival there and it seemed lively. So as a newly married couple of twenty-one, my wife and I started attending. Over the several years we attended there and I did some ministry, the general disdain for gays was more than apparent. They weren’t “gays” anyway. Gay means happy and gays are actually miserable people you know. They should only be called, “queers,” “fags,” “Sodomites,” or other similar terms.
The ideology was an uncomfortable fit for me, like a sweater two sizes too small. But, I was a young, impressionable man. And the most important thing was they had “Bible” on their beliefs. The Bible DOES say to stone homosexuals in the Law. Jesus DID validate the Law of Moses. Paul DID say that those that burned in lust for the same sex were worthy of death. Not only that, but those who supported them. I didn’t particularly have anything against gays, but my God did. I didn’t want Him mad at me, so I accepted that ideology for a span of time.
Let me give you a “through the looking glass” view of what it’s like to be in that place dogmatically… You say you aren’t “homophobic” because you aren’t afraid of gays in a one-on-one way. (I mean, they’re sissies right? So they can’t beat you up.) Yet, you are terrified of their impact on the culture. Even the idea that the traditional, fundamental voice may lose the cultural microphone in America is unspeakable. Any one getting to speak a positive word publicly for gays equals persecution of you personally. The “Gay Agenda” is evil, anti-God, and wants to kill your Christian liberty in America. That’s what the fundamental pastors say anyway. You outwardly express that you, “hate the sin, but love the sinner,” though you quietly despise the sinner too. They are an abomination to God. You can’t love God AND love those that spit on His Word at the same time in any genuine or uncondescending way. You won’t even allow yourself to enjoy watching, “Ellen.”
In the end, the pastor’s racism got to me more than his homophobia. The Bible disagreed with his racism after all, just not his dislike of gays. So, I talked to him about the racism privately. After being called an, “Antichrist,” I left the church. But, the condemnation of gays followed me out the door in the Bible tucked under my arm.
As I grew in maturity and compassion, that “too small sweater” was growing ever tighter. To be clearer, I was very compassionate toward gays prior to adopting Christian dogma about homosexuality. It took my religion to numb my natural instincts for some years. I did not hate or despise gays during those next few years. I actually had quite a love and understanding that I had to forcibly repress in order to align with my sacred text. The final nail in the coffin for the negative convictions I had embraced toward LGBT individuals came in 2012…
One day, when I was messing around on Youtube, I saw a video posted called, “Same Love.” I had no idea what it was nor who, “Macklemore,” was, but I clicked on the link…
I watched that video which now has nearly 110 million views when it was a fresh posting. I was sitting alone at my laptop in the house. I don’t recall where my family had gone that afternoon. The words of that song, the story, and images were exciting a part of my human conscience that I had turned off for over a decade. It actually made me cry. I think I watched it several more times right after. But, even though it moved me deeply, I wasn’t bold enough to share it on my Facebook wall at the time.
I had already been wrestling with my faith and beliefs in general for some months. But that song was a sniper’s shot directly to one specific conviction that had to be confronted and done away with. Since then, I have allowed myself to fully break free from ancient and repressive dogmas. My natural instincts to love other people, regardless of sexuality, exist unhindered. I am actually ashamed of the quiet and disingenuous spite for homosexuals that I carried for those years. It wasn’t a preeminent thing in my life. Yet, it did exist. It sat deep under the surface, but ready to be activated when occasion called for it. That is sad. I apologize to the LGBT community for my lack of insight toward homosexuality during that stage of my life. I am sorry for not lifting my voice for your freedom in our culture earlier. I will now.
There are moments and events that can be a tipping point for things in our lives and in our culture. But for me, I will never forget where I was the first time I heard the song, “Same Love.” Many thanks to you Macklemore, Ryan Lewis, and Mary Lambert. Much love to you. –Luke Austin Daugherty
-Copyright 2014, Luke Austin Daugherty -All Rights Reserved
-Copyright 2014, Luke Austin Daugherty -All Rights Reserved
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